Monday, August 20, 2007

Captain, my Captain

While attempting to continue daily life with some semblence of normality, I am still dealing with this disastrous situation we've been handed recently and am constantly trying to solve the problem in my head, even though I know I can't. And it's keeping me awake most nights.

I lay there and try not to think about it, but it's like an alarm goes off in my head if I start to drift off to sleep. Solve the problem, solve the problem, solve the problem. It's like a time bomb ticking in my brain. The difficult part is that I can't solve the problem. It's a problem with many things out of my control, and it's something that will have to run its course and go through a painful process to get sorted out. And nothing will be pretty during that process.

I really need my sleep because I need to have my wits about me during the day to think clearly and not fall apart while I try to work the part of the action plan that I can control. I do have a plan, complete with contingencies for different outcomes, and it looks good on paper, but the time spent waiting and the unknowns that eat at my psyche are pure killers. The idle times eat my brain alive.

I feel like it's something we're going to get through eventually. Right now, it feels like a dark, cold cave we're drifting through on a boat captained by someone else, in some sort of forced transition of life that is scary and uncomfortable because even though there's going to be light at the end of it, I don't know where the end of it is or how long it will take to get there. It's just out there somewhere, and I'm trying to get to it as fast as I can. But I'm not the one in charge of the ship this time.

I went and sat in a cathedral yesterday and talked to God about this. I asked Him to captain the ship, because I am unable to. I'd like to think that He has already taken over.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you are going through a bad time M. I'm a worrier so I know where you are coming from on the no sleep thing and lying awake worrying or thinking is no fun.

What works for me is telling myself I can think about the problem for 5 minutes then I have to switch off completely then I concentrate solely on my breathing so there's no way any keep me awake thoughts can sneak in...sounds odd but it kinda works

You are pretty upbeat and positive person and taking take comfort from your faith, you'll get through this in one piece.

Girl With The Golden Touch said...


M said...

Thank you both for your kind comments and encouragement. Some days I feel very strong and empowered. Other days slap me around. I guess that's always how it is during a crisis period.

Northern Monkey - thank you for the sleep tip. I will give that a good try tonight. I know I can't solve the problem but it's so hard to talk myself out of constantly wrestling with it, especially in the quiet of night. But I'll give it a go. Thanks.

Miss Forthright said...

M, I am so sorry you're having a rough time. I don't know exactly what has happened but I wish you all the best luck in the world and I am sending you huge cyber hugs. My email is, we can chat there if you like it matey xxx

M said...

You are took kind, Miss F. Thanks for the email and cyber hugs.