Saturday, December 29, 2007

Through the Maze

It was an odd Christmas this year. I knew it would be. And I was hoping that once it was over, I'd feel better, but I'm not sure I do.

There's a lot going on in my life, none of it positive. Right now, I am busy trying to tread water and maintain, rather than succumbing to the negativity around me that wants to pull me down.

I have huge issues to deal with. Some of them I cannot speak of here. But a major '10' on my list is the health of my parents. I spent Christmas with them, mostly trying to care for them and give them some semblance of a holiday. This year, it was all about them, not about me at all. Oddly, that's the only part of the equation that made me feel better -- the giving without receiving. That aspect of it nourished my soul.

My father will soon be going into major heart surgery in January. In the meanwhile, he feels awful and is not himself. He is mostly struggling to deal with the meds they have put him on, which are making him sick and sleepy all the time. Certainly, Christmas brought little joy to him this year.

My mother, in addition to having to deal with my father's problems, has her own health issues. But my mother is the 'giver' in the father the 'taker' she is all about making sure he is comfortable and taken care of, often ignoring her own issues.

It makes me so sad to see them in this state. And because of the ugly situation which has occurred in my own life, I am not in the best position to swoop in like the superhero and save them. A year ago, I probably could have at least helped them more. But right now, my abilities are crippled. I'm only able to do so much, and I'm so angry that this current situation has befallen me, rendering me almost helpless, at the very time they need me the most.

I have always been an action-oriented, positive, 'do-something' person, very empowered, very much in control of my life. But right now, I'm working with constraints put upon me unjustly by something else. All I can do is tread water, and that is like a living hell for someone like me. The near-helplessness can be mentally crippling.

BUT I won't let it be. I do not know how to sit still. I am sizing up the constraints and looking for ways around them. I am determined to come out the other end of all this s**t with my head held high and my integrity intact. I know it won't be easy, but I don't know how else to do things.

I expect it to be an ugly, ugly year ahead at my house. Dealing with a lot now, a few of the top 5 things you don't want to have happen to you...all at once. I don't look forward to this year, except to meet it head on and get it over with.

1 comment:

Miss Forthright said...

You're a tough lady, M. Big hug. xxx